Glutton Forum

No, I didn't mean Cristal champagne.  I titled this post Crystal champagne intentionally.  Anyone who's ever listened to a hip hop song has heard of Cristal, the wildly luxurious champagne that gets its namesake from the lead crystal bottles it's produced in.  The stuff is freakin' expensive - anywhere in the range of $175 to upwards $3,000 a bottle.  Lucky for the rappers who have a taste for this breed of bubbly, most of them can afford it (or at least the producers who let them drink it in the videos can).  Cristal is top notch, so I'm told, but hip hop moguls like Biggie, Puffy, and Jay Z have blown it up to superstar status.  Come to think of it, it's mainly the East Coast rappers making the common man think he needs to spend $100 on a drink.  $100 worth of Cristal wouldn't even be enough to stick a guy my size with a DUI.  West Coast rappers make it easy for us.  They have a grasp on what the common man can afford.  That's why Ice Cube used to promote St. Ides malt liquor - he knew the haps on the craps.
Malt liquor is fantastic - common knowledge - but sometimes I want to mix it up a little with the bubbly.  I wanna be notorious, and drink champagne when I'm thirsty.  That's why I'm writing this post, to promote a class of bubbly that I like to call, "Crystal champagne", Cristal for the working man.  None of these bottles will run you more than $11 (high end), and I promise they won't taste like spiked bathwater either.  You can buy a few cases of Cook's for your wedding, and be confident that your guests will have a great time.  No matter what the cost, it all gets you the same kind of wobbly.  You don't need crystal champagne flutes to drink this stuff, but if you want to hold true to the image, you might want to at least invest in some plastic champagne glasses. 

Presenting, the Crystal Champagnes:

Barefoot Bubbly Brut Cuvee - A three liter bottle of its cousin, 1999 Louis Roederer Brut Rose will run you around $3000.  Luckily a 750 ML bottle of Barefoot brut will only set you back $7.99.  Enjoy the citrus and green apple flavored bubbles as they dance around on your tongue...or something.

Cook's Extra Dry - Slightly sweet for a well-balanced cost and flavor.  This bronze medal winning California girl can be yours for less than $7.  The flagship of the Crystal Champagne campaign.

Marquis de la Tour NV - Just the name of this champagne alone is enough to make you feel like a king.  The taste isn't bad either.  A full-flavored, dry tartness that coats the surface and sides of your tongue.  Can you really get all that for $7.99?  You sure a shucks can!

Weibel Almondage Flavored California Champagne - You see this stuff at weddings all the time.  It has a unique almond flavor (as its fancified name implies) that will leave your guests slurring gratefully over your supreme hosting prowess.  It's $8.99 a bottle - don't worry, I'll drop the price tag for our next bottle.

Andre Pink - Three years ago, I welcomed the New Year by drinking three bottles of this equivocally fruity beverage.  I made the toilet bowl pink for less than $12.  That's right, you can find this delightfully sweet champagne for $3.99 a bottle.

Baron Herzog Kosher California - Baron Whozog?  Who cares?  At just a hair over $10, this stuff is the most expensive on our list, but it's crispy, tasty and toasty.  Pop a bottle of this to celebrate the first of the month.

That should get you about where you need to be.  Roll through the list and try em all, or be a snob and stick with the Andre.  I don't care as long as you raise up your [plastic] crystal champagne glasses and drink with me.  Word to ma!